Working Hard or Hardly Working

Well Howdy - from M

2005-12-22T18:15:00.000-05:00

Hey everybody! It was great seeing you guys for lunch. I'm in town until Jan 9th if you want to
eat out again sometime. For those of you that missed it (Mr. Loads-o-class) here are a
couple of quotes from one of the art professors. I haven't taken a class from him yet but he's on
the brink of death so everyone says to take one sooner rather than later. Anyway, he apparently
has a knack for finding whatever's wrong with your work, and in the very nicest way he pulls out
your still-beating heart and shows it to you. Here are a few quotes from him -

Concerning why Christmas is so magical
"It's the lights you idiots!"

Concerning the quality of one student's work
He picks up the painting, drops it on the floor, and says,
"Don't ever do that again."

What he told us all the first day we met him after giving us a long
speach that included creepy recollections of his first girlfriend.
"I love all of you. I hate some of you already and I'm sure
I'll hate more later. But I love the rest of you."

I'm thinking I might take a robotics class instead of his class. I think I'd end up on
his "Hate List" in no time.

I Hate Utah - from M

2005-09-15T23:25:00.000-04:00

I hate Utah. I hate Utah with the same hatred I hate Indiana. And to a lesser extent, Araknsas and Ohio. I hate it less than Tom Cruise and more than the Black Eyed Peas. Utah is tied in hatred with Katie Holmes and raisins. Oh, how I hate raisins.

Utah is a vast wasteland with no people, no gas stations for hundreds of miles, no buildings, no grass, no trees, nothing. It has large piles of rocks and and four goats. And the goats look miserable. Utah is a black hole where time and space mean nothing. Driving 65 miles here at 70mph takes 3 hours. Why? How? Because I hate Utah.

Other than that, the road trip has been great and I'll write more soon. Colorado was beautiful and lots of fun. San Francisco will be terrific.

And congratulations Dave - I think? You sound like you're warming up for a stint on the Dr. Phil show but if it includes a trip to the Carribbean it might be all worth it. I'll be one of the few people left waving the flag for singldom. I wonder if there are mail order Russian grooms. I'll ask Bergman.

Talk to you all soon,
-M

The Last Remaining Thoughts of a Single Man

2005-09-15T09:04:00.000-04:00

From the mind of David White

Hello all and please humor me with my first blog entry ever. This may be long if I can keep a train of thought long enough to type it...umm..what was I thinking...dangit. Oh yeah, I’m getting married this Saturday, September 17, 2005. As most of you reading this don’t know much about my personal life. I don’t know if it is because you don’t care or I’m an asshole and don’t care to expose my personal life to you cube farmers.

I have been in love with my future bride since the moment I laid my eyes upon her. For the next two years I was the creepy guy always hitting on her and creating uncomfortable situations in the office for her (we worked together). Not until I actually ‘caught’ her did I know how much of a psycho she is, but that’s neither here nor there...just kidding. Actually she made the first move, because after two years of being shot down I quit asking.

So, after three years of dating (or now that we are getting married it could be labeled ‘courtship’) I proposed and she said yes. I proposed in Eureka Springs Arkansas, in a cabin, in our pajamas, over a ten piece chicken nugget value meal from McDonald’s. After which we watched ‘Hotel Rwanda’. Classy I know. There’s a story there...trust me. There’s nothing like proposing so eloquently and then watching a movie about genocide. Hmm..oh the memories. Maybe for my second blog installment I will recall that story for your reading pleasure.

I am writing this blog to put my last thoughts as a single man on paper...err...internet...e-paper? Whatever. I know it didn’t start out that way, but I am actually a fairly intelligent person and I have at least one and a half thought processes going on at the same time. The half thought process is the one I use when I’m talking to you people. Guess I answered my own question from earlier.... Shit, I’m getting married. People, I’m stoked I’m getting married. Do those two statements back to back make me schizophrenic or manic depressive? Which one gets the better drug prescriptions? Seriously, I’m very happy that I’m going to marry the love of my life. Enough of the sappy stuff. Here we go...

• I’m going to miss coming home from work and laying around the house in my underwear. In your best Fat Bastard accent – “I’m damn sexy”
• I’m going to miss being able to sleep in bed and have the whole mattress to use.
• I’m going to miss being able to walk into the kitchen at night without the lights on and not stepping/kicking/stubbing my toes on high heal shoes and sandals that were strategically placed there.
• I’m going to miss being able to have my MAXIM magazines sitting on top of my end table for my quick reading and ogling.
• I’m going to miss being able to watch television without hearing a comment about how hot some hot chick is on tv...only for it to not be a statement but a baited question hanging on a 76 eye hook lure to get stuck in my mouth.
• I’m going to hate unhooking that dang lure from my mouth.
• I’m going to miss being able to acknowledge the existence of other women in the world while in the presence of my lovely, soon-to-be bride. They’re just trees, David, just trees. I know but they need water and attention. No they don’t, David, they’re just dead trees, just dead trees.
• I’m going to miss being able to drive down the road and not hear constant criticism and down right yelling about my driving technique. I’m also not going to enjoy having hypertension due to riding in the car while she is driving. I think I may need one of the nitro pill carriers that hang around my neck.
• I’m going to miss buying and selling hot rods and racing them and stuff...not really, that was way too expensive of a hobby now that I look back...oh well I had fun...
• I’m going to miss being able to rent science fiction movies and watching them on my movie theater system at ridiculously splendid sound levels.
• I’m going to miss being able to make crude body function noises without immediately excusing myself. I shouldn’t have to excuse myself for something I do on purpose, right?
• I’m going to miss being able to leave the seat up.
• I’m sure once we have kids, I’m going to miss having a life of my own...kids are the best thing you can do with your life, though. Balls of clay there for your molding....no wonder John’s kids are the way they are....little John nuggets they are...

I’m going to miss being able to remember my single days...not really, I was lonely...

So I’m off to get married and then to the Caribbean, yee haw! It’s going to be a blast and I’m looking forward to making this thang legal. Let’s git r dun. I really and truly never ever thought I would actually use the “Redneck mission statement” in a conversation...err...a piece of prose.

Thank you for all of your best wishes and congratulations...if you have any that is. I know you’re just being cordial to me in the cube hall and then talk about me behind my back. The cube walls are only four foot tall, fyi. I’m six foot four. I can hear you. Jerks... I’m going to the Caribbean...so nanner nanner nanner nanner. No really, thanks. And that ends this thought process. What were you saying? I was only half listening to you.... :p

Geriatrics and the drive by burping

2005-09-13T11:15:00.000-04:00

Written by The Renowned Fred Smith

Age is something that affects all of us. From struggling to hear an in-flight movie over the string of obscenities you hurl at the parents of a screaming newborn, or a more direct barrage focused at the oblivious geriatric leading a 15 mile string of cars, each of us suffers daily. We tend to forgive children, because on that rare occasion they’re incurably cute and loveable. The Aged, however, never are.

Let’s face it. The medical profession, in it’s unchecked desire to do good, has burdened us with a population that shouldn’t be alive. It sounds harsh, but think about it- at what point in your life is returning to diapers something you look forward to?

All companies use the same staffing strategy. Once the skilled labor force has been thoroughly farmed, remaining positions are filled based on: 1) a pulse, and; 2) the ability to fog a mirror. Only one is required.

As a result, the Aged are occasionally allowed to re-enter the work force. This is troublesome in an office setting. Here are some examples:

1. The proclamation “What you need to do is!” followed by the sound of snoring – While it is scientifically fascinating that Tourette’s and narcolepsy can afflict the same individual, this input is generally not considered a productive contribution to a technical discussion.
2. Belching (or emitting other bodily noises) loudly while walking by a cubicle – It was funny in third grade (and again in college), but not now. Keep your mouth closed and your bunghole clenched. Or get noise suppressing Depends.
3. Arguing with me to prove the same point I made 10 minutes ago – Yes, thank you, I appreciate the fact that you now concur with what was previously discussed, but I am (surprisingly) offended that you are now repeating back portions of my own statements as emphatic declarations in an attempt to convince me of my own point. The conversation’s moved on, why haven’t you?

So what’s the solution? Hats. All old people should wear a unique hat identifying themselves as old. This gives the rest of fair warning. The exact style can be decided later, but my vote goes for the old multi-pointed (think of Sideshow Bob’s hair) adornments with bells at the end of each tip. The one’s court jesters used to wear. Back when the old people were young.

Good Morning - From M

2005-09-09T09:51:00.000-04:00

Good Morning all. I just woke up and I'm typing in my pajamas - or jimjams. Aaah a student's life is good. What's that? You've been up since five and you've been at work for three hours already? That's too bad. I'm looking at a day alternating between loafing and sleeping. In fact I don't think I'm even going to lift my head to eat. I'll just put a sandwich on my pillow and chew on it as I doze.

And on my first day as a lazy good for nothing student - I'm swearing off personal grooming. Since I can't grow a mountain man beard I guess I'll have to wear a fake one. I call it the "Shipwreck Philosophy". You see, if I was stranded on a desert island, a year from now, I would look exactly as I do now. But all of the other girls on the island would look like crap compared to what they looked like in the beginning. I'm still working out how I can manage to get stranded on an island with some high maintenence women and some men with low standards of excellence. In the mean time, have fun at work. I'm off to run errands and pack. I'm thinking I'll get the Honda fitted to run on jet fuel or something so I can get to california faster. I don't know much about cars. I'm pretty sure they can do that. Later-

In case you were wondering...

2005-09-08T14:43:00.000-04:00

As I type this I'm sitting in a training room in Wichita. And as far as I'm concerned, class is done for the day! Actually class is over as far as ANYONE is concerned, because we're free to go since we wrapped up the lesson early, but it makes me sound cooler to say "as far as I'M concerned". And that's what this post is all about - being cool.

Many of you might have noticed yesterday afternoon that I was sporting a new look around the office. Yeah that's right, I was wearing sunglasses INDOORS, and since sunlight can't even get in to the cubicle farm my little fashion-statement seemed to cause quite a ruckus.

I got weird looks from everybody (well, weirder looks than usual), especially at the large staff meeting in the afternoon. I just leaned back and soaked it all in, James-Dean-style. After the meeting, one of my esteemed coworkers suggested that I pick up the handle "Maverick". Since usually people suggest that I use the handle "Goose" this was a highly appreciated comment.

In addition, one of the managers came by and saw me working on my computer with my shades on and asked me about it. Several witty excuses came to mind: "I'm just too cool to let my baby-blues out of their cage", or "the project I am working on was so incredibley awesome that I can't bear to look at the screen without protection", or "Ricky beat me up at lunch and I'm hiding a pair of fat ugly shiners." But I couldn't bring myself to lie about the situation, and instead showed him the cause for my higher sense of fashion: Dialated devil-pupils.

I had been to the optometrist again and he had decided that he needed a peek at the interiors of my gorgeous ocular organs. After the drops went in I was assured that my eyes would be back to normal later that afternoon. Luckily for him, he was right!

So all afternoon I sported my fake Oakley's with pride and consternation. Actually I don't know what consternation means but it seems to fit well in that last sentence. Anyways that's the long and short of it. My demon-googly-eyes also made it fun to gross out Marie from time to time. I am pleased that the final mental image she will have of me is as a man possessed.

I'm thinking about continuing to wear sunglasses indoors from now on. People got out of my way a lot faster, in that what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-that-guy-and-whatever-it-is-I-hope-it's-not-contagious sort of way.

Alright I'm going back to the hotel and going swimming...

Root Canal!!! Freakin' A!!!

2005-09-08T11:49:00.000-04:00

For those of you looking for a good time, let me suggest a root canal!
Root canals are great. And, contrary to common belief, they aren't painful…at least that's what my dentist told me.

The root canal begins with numbing the area. Again, not painful. It's about like having your balls attached to your face and then having them smashed with a hammer. This is followed by the dentist putting a "protective shroud" around the tooth. The protective shroud is basically a Hefty bag pulled over your teeth and shoved halfway down your throat. But where the big fun comes in is when they shove a bite block in your mouth. This allows your to "comfortably" hold your mouth open for and hour an a half.

Fortunately, the fun does not stop there. No there is the added benefit of being chewed out by the dentist for moving too much. Yes, that might be my favorite part, being scolded for not being able to sit perfectly still for an hour and a half. After all, why would I want to move? I mean, I'm having the pleasure of hearing and smelling my tooth be drilled, I've got a bite block in my mouth (which is starting to make me panic about EVER being able to close my jaw again), and I've got plastic shoved down my throat. And, I got all of this for the low, low price of $890!!!

You may be thinking, "Can a person have any more fun?" Well, the answer is, "Yes!!!" Because, once the root canal is done, the tooth has to be crowned. Yes, you get to have more shots…more grinding…and more bite blocks!!! All for a small additional fee ($800). What could be better?

So, next time you're sitting around looking for something to do, I suggest you run out to your local endontist and have a root canal!!!

(I should have been a freakin' dentist!)

Dave W. It's Your Special Day - from M

2005-08-30T18:25:00.000-04:00

Dave W. asked for it - and Dave's gonna get it. I have to differentiate between office Daves - one is English and wonders how I manage to tie my shoes without help, much less drive to work every day. The other Dave is American and he wonders the same thing. It turns out he also wonders why he hasn't been "special" yet. So cowboy up, it's American Dave's special day!

1. Dave, here's to you for making friends - in the bathroom. I've never been in a men's bathroom but I would imagine that no regular guy at a urinal would mind if a 6 foot 5in football player - sized man walked up behind him and whispered hello in his ear. You also get extra credit for making guys do an uncomfortable shimmy/cuddle dance to squeeze past you in the hallway.

2. And here's to you for holding the Office Head Injury Trophy for so long. When you pull a lamp out of the wall, it's best to pull from the far end of the cord - that way you get the most tension. And I heard your face plant with a lamp resulted in stitches - that puts me to shame. I would imagine there's some kind of a trophy somewhere but since both of us have had at least one good smack to the head, the odds of either of us finding it are very low. I'm hoping I can find my car in the parking lot.

3. Here's to keeping me awake in meetings. Alternating between snoring and making smoochy come-hither faces at your male co-workers (while they're on speaker phone with people in another state), you keep us all from slipping into a coma.

Till the end of work on Wednesday it's you special day. Let's all remember to congratulate him on his special day by giving him an akwardly clingy hug or bull ride (John). Huzzah Dave!

I Don't Want the Banana - I Want My Dignity Back

2005-08-30T11:41:00.000-04:00

From -M
I can chalk up one more office related head injury today. I was walking past John cube and thought it would be funny to try to steal his banana without him noticing. Motor skills failed me though and I walked right into his cube's cabinet. One skull crack later I had to explain that I wasn't joking around and that I really did do something that stupid. Now John's cube mates have confirmed their suspicions that I’m mentally challenged and should wear a bicycle helmet to work. Maybe they should take it a step further and replace my scizzors with the round tipped ones that don't cut dirt. And I could be tethered to my desk with a telephone cord harness.

When I managed to stagger back to my cube Bryan said "hey I think you're bleeding". To which I replied "you shut your mouth". Turns out he was right - one little drop on the bridge of my nose. But I’m not going to tell him that or he might get uppity. Anyway, I've coagulated now and they offered me the banana. But I told them I didn't want the banana, I wanted my dignity back. I'm going to try to parlay this injury into a free lunch.

Oh, and I've added my best friend's blog to our link list in an effort to class this place up a bit. For cryin out loud, we need it.

You can lead a horse to water...

2005-08-29T17:02:00.000-04:00

...and he will lose his glasses when inebriated.

I finally made it back to the cube farm today after 2:00. I was glad to see that my presence had not been missed, or even noticed for that matter. Actually I was glad to SEE anything, since my old trusty pair of spectacles are now scraping along the bottom of the mighty Illinois river. It turns out that when you are dunked over backwards, glasses tend to slip off of your face faster than a greased pig. It also turns out that my reaction time is signifigantly impaired after imbibing hearty brews all afternoon and floating lazily on a raft. I don't think it was until I had climbed back into the raft several minutes later that I noticed the glasses were gone. We made a half-hearted drunken attempt at a recovery search, but the muddy Oklahoma water would not relinquish her prize.

Hence a solid 3 hours of my day today were spent having fun at my friendly local optometrist's! And now all I have to show for it is a new pair of glasses, a lack of a few hundred dollars that I once had, the loss of a day's worth of vacation time, and itching blurry eyes that are doing their best to adapt to the little sheets of plastic that I jammed into my eyes today for the first time.

As I see it, the main advantage of contacts will be that no glasses will be smashed against my face when I start to buck about the office wildly until John calms me down by putting a wet rag over my eyes. I suppose the main disadvantage is that I am suddenly more susceptible to airborne attacks, such as rubber bands and sharpened pencils.

I might also add that with contacts my "sexiness" factor has just skyrocketed. Be forewarned.

Human Experimentation

2005-08-29T14:07:00.000-04:00

John's been having a toothache so we ran some tests on what outside factors contribute to the pain. This doesn't help identify what's causing it, but it sure was fun to experiment. Here's some rough data on the pain level from 1-10 caused by simple, everyday activities.

Self Inflicted Punch to the Face 6.5

Eating Ice Cream 8.8

Chewing on Mouse pad 4.3

Tapping Teeth with Ball Peen Hammer 9.4

Thinking About Bob Vila 11

Typing (flopping head on keyboard) 5.1

Testing Car Tire Air Pressure with Mouth 8.7

Flossing with Yarn 4.6

Holding 16 Long Haired Barbie Heads in Mouth Priceless

Let's Draw America

2005-08-26T16:14:00.000-04:00

The rocketship to inappropriate-ville has just launched. Our buddy buttloadsoclass asked for some of his co-worker's protein bar. I upped the ante but suggesting that it could be fed to him by like a baby bird. And the bluff was called. Protien bar was taken out of one guy's mouth and, half-chewed and still moist, it was depositied in buttload's mouth. I think that counts as second base. Unfortunately I know this is going to be one of those occasions when my brain will decide this is worth a wrinkle and I won't be able to shake this memory for years.

Also, it appears that some people are dunderheads when it comes to geography - so let me help out. Let's draw a map of the US. Everyone take out a piece of construction paper and a set of dull crayons. Draw a picture of a pot with a dot in the middle and a dot in the upper left, I mean right. This is Oklahoma and its two major cities. There are also smaller places which I have heard of and been to, but can't recall. I have no idea where Catoosa, Claremore, Okmulgee, Broken Arrow, etc are. So make a series of crayon dots around the state like freckles and let's assume that's where they go.

Next, put a big dangly fat pointy bottom onto Oklahoma and you have Texas. If you can draw people, stick a few in there with big belt buckles and give them too much nationalistic pride for a place that isn't its own nation.

Now draw, I don't know, twenty big squares around OK. Put some on top, to the left, and to the right, kind of like bricks. You're going to want them to get slightly wiggly up top to make room for the great lakes. Those look like the top of a palm tree. This is where cheese comes from as far as I know.

Now give the US a little hangy leg on the right. That's Florida. That's where people go to get eaten by sharks. Also the people there can't count or read during the month of November. Following the right side up, make a bunch of irregularly shaped skinny states. Going up you progress from surfers, to politicians, to pilgrims, to the ahmish, and finally new yorkers. On the left hand side of the country split the far edge into three states of whatever shape you like. By the time you get this map done California may be an island.

You get extra credit if you can add on Alaska and Hawaii. Since I don't know what these are shaped like, I would put my left hand into the ocean area and trace around it to make a turkey shape and call it good. There you have it. America.

New and Improved

2005-08-26T14:34:00.000-04:00

I bought a bag of Doritos for lunch, and, frankly, I’m a little pissed off. Right on the bag is printed “Now Better Tasting!”

At first glance, one might be excited at this news. “Yippee!!! These Doritos are gonna taste GREAT!!!” But, after a little thought, I realized this sucks. Basically, Frito Lay has been feeding us sh*t for 20 years. How much work really goes into perfecting the taste of a Dorito? Not much…Hell, we sent a man to the moon in less time than it took to improve the flavor of a Dorito.

So to Frito Lay I say, “Screw You!” Next they are gonna come at us and say they have made the Frito more ergonomic. Preposterous….

Let's Rodeo!

2005-08-25T10:55:00.000-04:00

Many of you, I’m sure, have heard of the new sport that is sweeping the nation. It’s a sport that yours truly invented. And, I’m proud to say, I am also the self-declared world champion. You may be asking yourself, “What is this wonderful sport?” To you I say, “CALM DOWN!!!! I’M GONNA FREAKIN’ TELL YOU IF YOU’LL JUST GIVE ME A MOMENT!!!!”

This great new sport is none other than Office Rodeo. Office rodeo, like normal sissy rodeo involves many of the same features: Big Bulls, Fine Steeds, Clowns and, of course, rough and tumble Cowboys. However, unlike pansy rodeo, office rodeo offers added benefits, such as: climate control, business casual dress, and cubicle walls.

Office Rodeo has many of the same events as well. They include:

Bull Dogging: This event involves the Cowboy (or Cowgirl, alright Cowperson, OKAY!!! Bovineprimate)…In this event, the bovineprimate climbs onto a desk in a crouching position and waits for a person to run down the chute (aisle). When the person is within range, the bovineprimate leaps from their desk, drives the person to the ground and ties their feet and hands. This event is judged based upon time, size of the bulldogged, and style. Style includes jumping technique, vocal inflection and, of course, shoe selection.

Roping: In this event, the participant must have a steed. A steed can be any person sizable enough to run around the office with the participant on their back. The rider must lasso an unwilling participant and attempt to take them to the ground and bind their feet and hands. Judging will be based upon the same criteria as in bull dogging. However, the quality of the steeds coat will also be considered. I, myself, have a fine steed…his name is Bergman.

Bull Riding: This is the main event in Office Rodeo. In this event, the participant must walk up behind the “bull”, clasp their hands around the bull’s chest, and gently kiss him on the neck. All that is left from there is to hang on…hang on for dear life. Points will be awarded for time, size of the bull, and number of broken bones. In some cases, the ride may go into a “bonus round.” This is when the unwilling bull throws the rider from his back and commences to beat the crap out of them. Points will be awarded based upon a complex mathematical equation which involves a ratio between the number of punches taken to the number of broken bones as well as a curse factor. Most people are far too stupid to understand it, so I won’t explain it any further.

As you can well imagine, this sport will soon overtake both NASCAR and World Cup Soccer in popularity. So, to all of you, I say, “YEE HAW! Let’s Rodeo!”

Bansai! It's My Special Day - In Japanese and Engrrish

2005-08-24T14:36:00.000-04:00

For a little multi-cultural flair, I've translated my special day into Japanese using an online translator. Then I translated it back into Engrrish. This is the smartest thing I've done all day.

-M

If John and I spoke that it ends and anyone was worthy of in special day, we came thing being understood, - it is we. In addition as for us it is the community service which single handedly buidling plane surface, us has done to the only from the scar with this blog and holding the people in heart. So there are some which do the snow flake which is unique to me here.

1. Like the enormous electric battery, I possess latent energy largely. As for sedintary life style of the carbohydrate which was refined in order to do the physical achievement largely and year of diet which is stabilized the sufficient fuel which is stored was left to me. 1 day (today - that it carries day) I to utilize, power of my lipid it is super-hero like the speed of cheetah which opens the key. If I - smarm depend on my other extreme power to that time and do not fast it becomes and types.

2. I sweated the general people at times little. Bryan starts being attached the ball at 70 degrees, therefore me I feel that it can brag concerning this.

3. It was the bassoon player of the high school where I 9th of the state am best at one time. It can inquire about me.

4. I am favored to the gift of song. As for I you make one time Ricky and the mat shout, "redition of the water which is bothered by the bridge in excess" was sung. Actually as for them separated almost it drove from the cliff. Singing the part of appliance most people do not go to trouble, but - being not to worry, it is that, (has the just a little person remembered this? Beeeeeee of bah of the bee of bah of the bee of bah of ブーイング of bah of bee). I was in the car and i was hard therefore to dance,, but how doing, I managed. Ricky represents never the from that head and does and washes. Me two until the routine which I can use because of Bohemian Rhapsody it shows wait exactly. I do not think that we would like to make the surprise useless, there is a jump suit of the hard white satin where, but it is included. And tap dance. This kind of talent where that me is splendid and is and single unit.

Nuggets of Gold from a Computer Genius

2005-08-24T07:59:00.000-04:00

M,

In response to your computer questions:

1. Yes. You should always wear a helmet when using a computer. Computers are dangerous – after all, these things are not motorcycles. If you cannot find a helmet, a full head mask made of tin foil will suffice. However, you must cover your entire head, much like a hatchet man upon the gallows.

2. No. You must remain at your desk to receive e-mails. E-mails are like certified letters. If the e-mail fairy arrives at your computer and you are not there, he shreds your message and you will never receive it.

3. Yes. You will need three reams of paper before we begin.

4. Yes. Everything belongs to America…even France.

5. Feed your mouse once a day. But, don’t forget, your mouse also needs water. I leave mine submerged in a glass of water every evening.

6. Sandwich paper is located in tray #3. You can also use a scanner to scan your sandwich and then print it out.

Regarding the comment about the library card in the drive slot - this will work. You can also use this to swipe your credit card while buying things such as tin foil on the interne.

It's My Special Day - M

2005-08-23T19:59:00.000-04:00

John and I have talked it over and we've come to realize that if anybody deserves a special day - it's us. We're not only single handedly buidling planes from scratch, we're also performing a community service by entertaining people with this blog. So here's what makes me a unique snowflake.

1. Like an enormous battery, I have great potential energy. Years of a sedintary lifestyle and a steady diet of refined carbohydrates have left me with enough stored fuel to perform great physical feats. One day (not today - it's hump day)I will harness the power of my lipids and unlock super-hero like cheetah speed. Until then I will have to rely on my other super powers - smarm and fast typing.

2. I sweat less than the average person. Bryan starts to bead up at seventy degrees so I feel I can brag about this.

3. At one time I was the ninth best high school bassoon player in the state. You may have heard of me.

4. I am endowed with the gift of song. I once sang a redition of "Bridge Over Troubled Water" that made Ricky and Matt cry. In fact they almost drove off a cliff. Most people don't go to the trouble to sing the instrumental parts - but that's because they don't care (hey guys, remember this? Bee bah boo bah bee bah bee bah beeeeeee). I was in a car so it was hard to dance but somehow I managed. Ricky will never be able to scrub that image out of his head. Just wait until I show you two the routine I have worked up for Bohemian Rhapsody. I don't want to spoil the surprise but there's a tight white satin jumpsuit involved. And tap dancing. It's amazing I'm single with talents like this.

Should I Be Wearing a Helmet?

2005-08-23T14:07:00.000-04:00

John, I've got some technical questions for you.

1. When I turn the computer on, should I be wearing a helmet? Would a hat made of tin foil suffice? If yes, should it be sunny side up or sunny side down?

2. If I get up to get coffee will my computer still get emails?

3. Can you show me how to print off the internet - the entire internet - in color?

4. If the whole internet is in English, does that mean it belongs to America? Like the Moon? If so I'd like to live there.

5. How often should I feed my mouse?

6. I'm extra hungry today so I'm going to put a sandwich on the copier and make another one. Do you know where I can find sandwich colored printer paper?

Dimples - Nature's Curse

2005-08-23T13:14:00.000-04:00

It appears that Bergman's dimples have struck again.

Earlier at Mazzio's, while handling Bergman's chin like a wrangler often handles that of a mighty steed, it appears as though he caught the fancy of an elderly man. This man was old enough that he may have been around when God invented horses. Nonetheless, once Bergman smiled, the old man could not take his eyes off of him. Yes, I believe that the infectious power of Bergman's dimples brought a joy to the old man unrivaled since he had his last lollipop at the local soda shop.

Bergman...to you I say beware. The infectious power of your dimples are far more dangerous than they once were. With the advent of viagra and other potent miracles of science, that innocent smile could result in pain and humiliation like you have never known.

Computers are Hard!!!

2005-08-23T11:16:00.000-04:00

Certain people should not be allowed to touch a computer…It’s as simple as that.

I won’t go into some of the computer illiterates that I work with, but let me say this; their lack of skill is stellar. I will, however, recant a story about another poindexter I worked with at a previous job.

This guy (we’ll call him Stupid-Ass) knew that the computer had a power switch, but that was about it. Anyway, Stupid-Ass got it in his head that he did not want to save the data on the hard drive, “because I don’t know where it is.” He insisted on saving it to a floppy disk.

I watched an argument ensue between one of the people “in the know” and Stupid-Ass go on for at least 30 minutes over the evils of an internal hard drive. This is the kind of brilliance we encounter every day.

It’s truly unbelievable that these people can feed themselves.

In Recognition of Bergman

2005-08-22T12:58:00.000-04:00

Well, like most of the world, I missed Bergman’s special day. This not surprising…giving Bergman a special day is like shining a pile of poo and wearing it as a tie tack. But, since I feel that it is somewhat my civic duty to say a few kind words about him, I will do so.

Bergman is a wonderful steed. His equine-type characteristics make him a wonderful pony for the bulldogging event in the office rodeos. Bergman’s coat and mane are also nice and shiny, and he never complains when not brushed on time or when not given a fresh blanket. Most of all, Bergman almost always cleans up his own manure. Way to go Bergman! You make me proud to be your wrangler.

Now that it is officially Bergman’s special day plus one, I will take back my kind comments about him. These golden nuggets of kindness are not free, nor do they last forever.

It's Your Special Day Ricky

2005-08-22T12:34:00.000-04:00

Ricky! You are truely the king of beers and today is your day (specifically because I don't think you've realized I have a blog yet and it'll be even funnier once you discover you're on the internet - this time with clothes on). It should be pointed out that by having the second special day and not the first, you've just been Bergmaned. Normally you should feel an appropriate level of shame, but it's your day baby, so here we go. Things that make Ricky unique:

1. Your sense of scale is adorably skewed. From your "technically" average height (that's taking into account the affects of pigmies, dwarves, gnomes, and babies on the world-wide average height) you see people larger than yourself in any diminsion as giants. Using your sense of scale: babies are small, you are perfectly normal, Matt is tall, and I can be seen from space. How cute.

2. When you drink you can take a smack to the head like nobody I know. Whether inflicted by woman or concrete, you bounce right back (by the way I'm glad your birthday scars from February have healed up). And by bounce right back I mean you can walk, talk, make friends, hail a cab, operate electronics like ATM machines, and travel all over the Puget sound area, break into your own house with a paving stone, and talk your way out of going to jail. That's a man!

So there you go. Ricky is special. Not short-bus special, but good special.

It's your special day

2005-08-20T23:07:00.000-04:00

Friends deserve to be recognized for all the things that make them great. From now on, everyone I know is going to get a special day (and entry) dedicated to them. First up - Bergman.

Bergman, you are special for today. All of the other days of the year you will be depressingly similar to everyone else. Like the Borg. But today is your day so here's what makes you unique:

1. You have dimples that get you free fast food from lonely middle aged lunch ladies. Here's to you for exchanging dignity for biggie french fries.
2. You ride a motorcycle that contains Radio Shack components like switches not rated for the correct amperage. Here's to being an organ donor. Someday you'll appear on the news (as a seventy mile per hour roman candle).
3. You meet women on the internet and date them sight unseen. Here's to giving some lucky lady a chance (and a ticket out of Russia).

So you have four hours left on your special day. Live it up. Oh, and by the time you read this on Monday it'll be long over. If you had known about this you really should have planned this better. Huzzah Bergman! Next up? Ricky.

Bloggin' for Glory

2005-08-19T16:42:00.000-04:00

It has become apparent that when Al Gore invented the internet, he did it for me. And, when his super race of robots invented blogging, that too was for me. Soon, this will become the greatest blog on the planet...and soon, chimps will be using cordless screwdrivers that they built from mud, monkey dung, and small bits of popcorn, to free themselves from their cages and take over South Dakota.

It begins

2005-08-08T01:04:00.000-04:00

In the amount of time it's taken me to make this blog, chimps could have developed stone tools and the means for creating fire. Let me check out the window and see if it looked like that happened. Nope. Good. Welcome to my corner of the internet. Catchy name no?